We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I have fence marks all over my body
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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