Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
