Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
