This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
