He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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