My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
