i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just gargled with NyQuil
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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