DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
