you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
