So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
