Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
