I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
