i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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