So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
