dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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