I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
