I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
3 2 1 whiskey
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Let's get the cat blown out
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
