Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize