I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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