chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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