Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
there is glitter all over my balls
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
