he thought i was a dude.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
