her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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