no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize