drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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