i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
