You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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