I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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