Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Randomize
