I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
