'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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