I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
