yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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