im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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