ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
