i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
