I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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