I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
