I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
