thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
