either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
