Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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