It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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