make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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