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Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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