he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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