If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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