I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
