im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
