dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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