and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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