Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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