Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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