Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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