does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
His nipple licking is glorious
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