we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
