What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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