Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
