The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
