All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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