I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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